Pinch me

Thumbs up. The ultrasound was full of good news! We're having a baby GIRL, she is totally healthy, big and strong, 12 whole oz!, and there is no cleft. We feel so relieved. I had tears streaming down my face the entire ultrasound. They started as a trickle at the beginning because I was so nervous, and then when we got a look at her cute little face and her beautiful upper lip they began to stream down. I still feel like I'm dreaming- will someone pinch me?

a picture of a full rainbow I took from our house a couple nights ago

The past 24 hours have been a bit of an emotional roller coaster, but I can't complain- having it end with such great news is a dream come true. My eyes are incredibly swollen from crying so much yesterday (tears of fear) and then this morning (tears of joy).

Here she is sucking on her hand

The ultrasound doc did say that I have placenta previa, but he also said that in most cases, it sorts itself out in the next couple months, so we shouldn't worry too much. We'll just be back into monitor it in a few weeks. Heck, I'll take placenta previa any day over other news we were prepping ourselves for. And I hear it is pretty common right? I just looked online and it said previa occurs 1 in 200 pregnancies. But it seems like I've heard of a lot of people having this. If any of you have any experience with it, I'd love to hear it.

I think we'll name her Big Foot

I can't tell you all how grateful James and I are for all of your thoughts and prayers. When the ultrasound was finished, James and I walked back to the parking garage kind of in shock, and got in our car and said a prayer of thanks together as our hearts were so full. I have felt so much love from Heavenly Father and all of you and am so grateful to be surrounded near and far by such caring, loving people.

Let the froo-froo, frilly-frillies begin!

Tomorrow we'll know

above pic from clarian.org

The ultrasound is tomorrow morning.


Tomorrow we'll know if this baby is a boy, or a girl, or a vampire*.

And we'll know if the baby will have a cleft or not.


I've been trying to prepare myself emotionally. Mostly just for the cleft part. I'll take boy or girl, or both. But whether there is a cleft or not- I feel a little unprepared either outcome will be a bit of a shock for my heart. If there is a cleft, I almost want to just freeze time right now before things get harder and that burden really sits on my shoulders once again. But then again, there is a bit of excitement for tomorrow in finding out the gender and the thought of "what if", in regards to there not being a cleft.


On another note, I am still feeling sick. I can't believe I am 18 weeks along and still battling this morning sickness (although for me it is never at it's worst in the morning- evenings are when I feel it). It never lasted this long before. A couple weeks ago. I had 3 days there where it went away. It was like heaven- my husband/boys no longer stunk like garlic mothballs to me, I felt like being romantic again, I could cook a normal dinner and was able to finally clean the house. And then as quick as the reprive came, it left. I am so bummed my nose turned on again and I've gained my nasal super power back. Uggghh.


One of these days I'll post about all my awesome adventures of morning sickness.


*I don't really think I have a vampire in me, but I am reading the fourth book of the Twilight series right now. And I couldn't get over how much I was able to relate to sick/pregnant Bella. I sometimes do feel like I've got a vampire growing in me (not that I crave blood, but my little guy/gal sure feels insatiable and creature-like at times).

PS- I also wanted to thank all of you for your heartfelt, endearing comments on this post. It means so much to know we are not going through this alone. We are grateful for all your prayers and thoughts.

My little runners

We had a fun Saturday. It was BYU homecoming weekend and Jimmy and Johnny and cousin David ran in the cougar kid 200 meter race (1/2 a track). It was so cute and fun to watch. And Jimmy got 3rd place! His buddy Isaac Wright got 1st (which was amazing to watch- he's been recovering from a burn on his leg, and it didn't hold him back at all!) Isaac's mom, Leah posted some great shots on their blog. Johnny got a bit frightened of the "get-set-go gun" they fired and decided instead of running he wanted to sit on his bum and cry. My sister, Lisa ran with David, and then ran again, doing the adult 5k. She is so strong. I was the emotional crazy pregnant lady on the sidelines watching. I got all teary eyed watching the adults come in for the 5k, even though I didn't really know anyone other than my sister. I just loved seeing these runners make the final lap and sprint to the finish line. I guess its not too surprising that a track meet full of strangers made get so emotional. I get teary eyed watching public service ads.

Here's some pics of the day:

stretching outwarming upready to goand their off!1st and 3rd place!up on the big screen...Lisa getting ready to run her 5 k James and the boys full of content

We also got a treat on the walk home, we sat on the curb and watched the homecoming parade for a bit. It was really fun to watch. And great to spend the morning with the Halversons.

Thoughts of my heart

All photos by Mary Taylor (also a mother with a child with a cleft)

It has been forever since I've posted. I've been feeling so much morning sickness this pregnancy. More than I've ever experienced with my previous 2 pregnancies, and with 2 kiddos who have been either very lively or very sick (Jimmy was in the hospital last week for 3 days with a strep infection), and James being gone for 2 MBA job fairs this past month, each day I've felt like I've been on a survival mode. I used to catch up on the blog when the boys were napping or when they went to bed at night. Now, I find myself feeling the need to take a nap with them and then feeling too sick at night to sit in front of the computer, hence no blog posts from me as of late.

So here's my first stab at trying to re-enter the blog world and put some of my thoughts down on paper. The boys are napping, and I'm feeling a wee-bit of energy and thought I'd jot down some of my thoughts.

Something that is on my mind every single day is if this baby will have a cleft. I know God doesn't give us any trial larger than that which we can handle, but honestly, I have been feeling like I am not strong to start all over again. We've come so far with the boys. I know most people just see a beautiful, tiny little scar underneath my boys noses and think "oh, they fix that so easily nowadays", but in reality, its been a journey. A journey that has taken us to the operating table 7 times (with 5 more to go), taken us through hours and hours of special feeding techniques and therapy, and years and years of speech therapy.

When James and I began trying to conceive this summer, we had come to the point where we knew our chances of our third child being born with a cleft were high (given our track record). We made this baby in spite of those odds. We have always felt while a cleft would not be something we would choose for our child, but, if that is the only way our children will be born to us, we would receive them with open and grateful arms nonetheless. We feel very blessed to have Jimmy and Johnny in our lives. The journey has been long and hard, but we have 2 beautiful, loving, thoughtful boys, and so much to be grateful for.

However, I must admit this past month has been hard on me, emotionally. I sometimes don't know what is appropriate for me to put here on the blog- I don't want my boys to grow up thinking their clefts made their mother sad or unhappy (even though truthfully their clefts have made my heart ache indescribably). But I also want to be honest and real in my feelings, as I record my thoughts and what is happening, especially terms of what is going on in my heart.

I found myself on my knees the other night praying, and it was a good prayer- one of those prayers were you feel like you've connected and had a good heart to heart with Heavenly Father. I balled my eyes out that night I could barely open them the next day. I cried and plead with Heavenly Father to just "let us have it "easy" this time. Let us experience a baby that won't have to be bombarded with surgeries its' first couple years of life. Let us experience a baby that can nurse and suck and learn to speak with ease. Let us experience some freedom from Primary Children's (don't get me wrong- I love that place, but because that is where all of the boys' surgeries have been, in addition to regular team appointments, we sometimes feel we know that place a little too well). Let us not have to worry about insurance and pre-existing conditions with this little one. Let us have a baby that doesn't have to be in early intervention and speech therapy. Let us have a "rest' on our heart, our relationship, our family finances. Please, please go easy on us this time", I plead with Heavenly Father.

After pleading, I felt comfort and and enveloped in His love. I felt understood. I did not feel like I was comforted in that this baby will not have a cleft, but I received comfort that my Father in Heaven and big brother Jesus completely understood my aching heart, and they have been there beside me every aching moment. I felt heard and loved, and chosen. Chosen to be my children's mother. I also felt like I was given power and wisdom to trust in the Lord's will and not my own.

I was reminded of the "good" that has come out of the boys having clefts- the wonderful friendships we've made, the understanding, compassion and empathy it has given our little family, the people we've been able to help and reach out to. How we've been forced to rely on the Lord, His priesthood blessings, and prayer and fasting. How we've grown and been stretched in so many ways. I felt like the prayer helped me see from a different plain, a different view than that which I had been peering from before.

Don't get me wrong- I still have my moments and I still find myself very emotional about the subject, but I also feel and know that in that instance of prayer, I was heard from on high.

I am grateful for prayer. I know that it brings comfort in our trials. I know that it has prepared my heart for the best and the worst.

I am 15 week along now. We'll know soon if the baby has a cleft via ultrasound. In the meantime, I have to remember how the Lord spoke comfort to my heart that night when I cried out to him, and remember that instead of this fear burdening my shoulders, it is in His loving hands.

PS- these beautiful pictures of Johnny were captured by a dear friend, Mary Taylor, who also has a child with a cleft. She is very talented, and I can't thank her and Wynona enough for capturing these precious moments. Go check out her blog!

怀孕

Intrigued by the title? If you don't know Chinese, here's a little link that will help you out. And here's the characters again: 怀孕 (it is pronounced h-why, yoon). Want to learn a Chinese phrase? Repeat after me: woah h-why yoon luh (or in pinying: wo huaiyun le). Very good!

Okay, that's about as creative as I can get right now. I feel so overwhelmed with backed-up blog posts, I don't know where to start. Someday, I will get to telling you all about the past couple months, our trip from Texas, being back home in Provo, having James' family come visit, having Becca come visit, seeing Sissy, Jimmy and James' soccer season (see pic below), Jimmy starting preschool, and some other silly things we do around here.

Because this post needs a picture, here's a cute one of James and Johnny and Jimmy. James is coaching Jimmy's little soccer team this year.

So long pard'ner

Well, it looks like our internship extravaganza adventure has come to an end. I can hardly believe our Summer in Texas is all over! We've had such a fun time here. Seen so many people we love, done so many fun things, eaten such good food, and spent more time in the sun and H2O than we ever have in our lives!

We leave tomorrow to drive back to Utah. We'll be all cramped up in our good ol' lil' Honda Civic so wish us luck that we fit and make it home safely.

Farewell Texas. We'll miss ya.

BYU MBA Dallas meet-up

We got together today with 2 other BYU MBA student families that are interning out here in Dallas this Summer, the Wankiers and the Jacksons. I had known Emily Wankier from previous MBASA activities but I hadn't met Maryanne Jackson yet. It was fun to see Emily again and get to know Maryanne. What neat people!We met in Frisco at a bowling alley and all bowled up some games. The funniest things happened while we were bowling. I'm not much of a bowler. I'm lucky if I don't go in the gutter if you know what I mean. Well toward the end of the game, Johnny decided he didn't want to bowl anymore and was sulking on the ground. I picked him up and was eager for the game to just be over. When it was my turn, with Johnny in my right arm, I just kind of threw the bowling ball down the lane with my left arm (I am right handed, never bowled with my left, but was too lazy to switch Johnny to my other side). Well what'd'ya know, I happened to knock down EVERY SINGLE PIN with that bowl!!! I couldn't believe it. I think I should bowl with my left hand, kid on hip more often!
Afterward, we headed to the nearby Frisco mall and ate some lunch and chatted it up. After lunch, the kids (and some parents too!) got to go get a ride on the Carousel. Emily and Maryanne are such nice women and I hope to get to know them and their families more this next year when we all return to Provo.

Lil' swimmers

The boys have been taking swimming lessons the past couple weeks. There's this great family in our ward with grown boys that teach swimming lessons in their backyard pool. They are well known in the community for being great teachers and with us spending so much time in the water this summer, we were eager to try them out and see if they could help the boys ease up a bit in the H2O. Up until now, the boys were very hesitant to get their faces/heads wet, or go near deep water. The first two days were not so great- the boys cried the ENTIRE time. During their lesson with "coach Derek" (as Jimmy fondly called him), they shared the pool with about 5 other kids who were getting private lessons from some of Derek's brothers. None of the other kids were crying, so I was thinking to myself "how in the world are we going to get through 2 weeks of this!". The coaches actually asked me to go hide behind a bush and then go to my car because they thought it might help alleviate the crying if "momma wasn't in sight".
But they gave some good advice. They told me to go to Walmart and buy some cheap goggles/swim masks for the boys, let them take a deep bath that night (with water up to their chests), and encourage them to blow bubbles in the water. Well it worked! Jimmy LOVED it (and now always want to play with his swim mask in the bath) and began to immerse his entire face in the water. Johnny eased up as well.

And Coach Derek was wonderful and so gentle, patient and loving and with the boys. They warmed up to him quickly (although Johnny continued to cry a little bit each day-- he did improve leaps and bounds with how comfortable he was in the water, and the last day even went off the diving board!). About a week into the lessons, Jimmy told me on the way home from the lessons "Mom, when I grow up I want to be a swim coach, and I will help little kids not cry". Jimmy learned how to swim across the pool, swim to the side and he LOVED jumping off the diving board.

Here's a little video of Jimmy swimming across the pool:

And here's a couple of the boys jumping off the diving board (that's good ol' Johnny crying in the foreground):

We're in Houston baby!

We spent this past weekend driving down to Houston and visiting some friends and family. We stayed with the Nobmanns. James and Sean were buddies in college (they were neighbors at King Henry), and then we were in the same family ward with Sean and Katherine when we were newlyweds and they were apartment managers at King Henry. We hadn't seen them for 5 years, so it was so fun to catch up and get to know their wonderful little family better. Katherine is such an incredible Mom to her boys. They have 3 boys and with our 2, it made for lots of boy fun!
Houston is beautiful. I'm telling ya- Texas is greener than ya think! Houston was very green and even forested in some areas. Here's the boys playing on the green...The Nobmanns took us swimming to their neighborhood pool which was a blast. The boys got to show off their skills they've been learning at swimming lessons this past week. And we played a few rounds of ticket to ride after the kids would go down to bed.Jimmy took a big liking to their oldest, Harrison and they became the best of buds. It was so cute, the day we were leaving, they were sitting there at the table, eating their lunch, saying to each other, "I'm really going to miss you" "yeah, me too" "when am I going to see you again?".


On our way out of town, we stopped in at the Pomeroy's house in The Woodlands. Emily and her husband, Jordan have been down in Texas for about 4 years now. Emily and her sister Nettie were some of my favorite cousins growing up because we were all so close in age.
Seeing Emily, after not seeing her for awhile, I couldn't get over how beautiful and grown up she's become. She and Jordan have a 2 year old boy (Charlie) and a 10 month old baby girl (Julia), and it was so great to catch up, and visit, and hear all their hurricane evacuation stories.

J-gang

Today the boys and I got together with my friend Andrea and her boys, Jack and Jeremy. Andrea's husband just graduated from James' program this past year and our families were in a babysitting swap together so our boys got a lot of time to play with one another. Jack is just a bit older than Jimmy and Jeremy and Johnny are just about the same age. These boys make up the J-gang, and they know how to play hard! It was so fun for the boys to have a play date with someone so familiar and I loved catching up with Andrea. Andrea's husband landed a job at HP here in Texas, so maybe if we're back we'll get to see them again!

Lingting

We went and saw a friend of mine, Lingting, today. She had a brand new baby girl (with the cutest thick black hair), and the boys just adored her and loved tickling her toes.
Lingting lived in one of the areas I served my mission in and was one of the elders' investigators. I got to see her get baptized, and then as a new member she'd accompany my companion and I on splits and discussions. It's been neat to see her grow and progress in countless ways these past few years. She moved to Texas a couple years ago, met her husband, got married, and now they have a beautiful baby girl, and she has blossomed into a good mother.

It was wonderful to see you Lingting! What a coincidence to live so close to you this Summer!

*On a side note, as we were getting out of the car at Lingting's apartment parking lot, Jimmy spied a hole in the dirt/railroad tie wall. He went to go take a peek and he claimed he saw a "frog" in there. I took a peek and couldn't see anything, but he INSISTED there was a frog in there. I put my camera up to the hole and took a picture and when we downloaded the pics onto the computer, why, there was a frog! A big one! (Can you see it? You can click on the picture below to make it larger.)

Bonkers

Last week we went to this fun indoor play area (think: gigantic McDonald's play yard or something). The kids had a blast. Even James and I had some fun! James was one of the only adults running around, zipping down the slides, playing tag with his kids in it.There's one thing for certain- Texans do LOVE fun. There's fun places like this around every corner! And thankfully they are nice and cool and air conditioned inside- a refuge from the heat.